Exhaustion

I’m so tired of not being good enough. I don’t even know whose standard I’m trying to meet. My partners keep telling me that I’m good enough, that I’m trying too hard and worrying too much, but it feels like I’m trapped in a current and can’t get out. I’m just so… Scared.

I’m terrified that by trying to be enough for these unknown standards, I’ve lost what’s most important. I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I just want to stop hating my existence because it feels like it’ll never be enough. I’m tired of feeling no satisfaction in everything I’ve achieved because I feel like I could have done a better job of it.

I want to feel safe, and secure, and satisfied. But I don’t even feel safe in my own head. The only places I’ve felt safe now feel out of reach because they’re tired of watching this. We successfully Zuko’d ourselves and our entire life. And I don’t know if we’ll be able to follow through on the redemption arc.

But we have to try. Even if it’s by dragging our BPD-ridden brain kicking and screaming through the terror, the hate, and the regret. There has to be something better than this. I’m tired of wanting to die because of not feeling good enough, and losing everything good because of it.

I just want to feel ok…

-Alaska