Childhood

We haven’t seen any of our siblings since 2017. That was the last year we saw any blood relative in person. We don’t mind when it comes to our parents. The growth that has happened probably wouldn’t have been achievable if they were still actively involved in our life. But when it comes to our siblings…

They probably wouldn’t recognize us if we walked past them on the street. Not just physically, but behaviorally as well. We’ve changed drastically from the soft older sibling who fell asleep in bed with them every night, who’d play imagination games with them and games of tag and hide-and-seek in the yard.

We jump at sudden noises now. We don’t like popping balloons anymore, because our heart rate picks up whenever it happens. A man slowing down or talking to us immediately causes withdrawal behind walls we’ve painstakingly established over years of interactions. We spend so much time afraid now, of things in the world and things inside our head.

I’m curious what they’d think if we met again. Would it be a positive experience? They must have changed too, to some degree. Would we even enjoy the experience of finally meeting again after so long, or would it be overshadowed by the memories of who we were as children?

We occasionally talk to Sonic, he lives with his best friend a few hours away. He got a girlfriend recently, she seems like a nice person so far. We’ve talked about how our parents messed us up as kids, but Sonic says we should try talking to them again. He says that they’ve changed, they’re better than they were when we were young.

I don’t want to though. We don’t miss them. Call us cruel, but even when Alaska was at Agnes, they never understood the students who complained of homesickness, who took advantage of breaks to go home and visit the family. For Alaska, breaks were the time spent in a jail cell before tasting freedom once again. Every semester, the part Alaska dreaded the most about finals wasn’t the studying or the hard work, it was knowing that when the exams were finished, they’d have to go home.

We’re better than we’ve ever been before. We’re learning how to stand up for ourselves, how to say what we want and what we don’t like. So I don’t think a conversation with our parents would end well. They would be expecting soft submissive Alaska, who never argued back and was a perfect little soldier for them in all their familial battles. They’d get us instead, with dirt under our nails and fire in our eyes, and a mouth that’s finally been unstitched.

Part of me is almost curious to see what would happen… But we aren’t healed enough for that yet. Maybe later. For now, we focus on our growth, unlearning old habits and developing new ones to take their place. We focus on development, on creating a space where we can love ourselves and be proud of who we are. Because that would be the biggest statement. To not constantly critique ourselves, to not highlight every flaw and shortcoming, but to instead love us as we are and for the many things we HAVE done.

Because we’ve done more than people ever thought we could. We’ve gotten two degrees, multiple certifications, changed our career field entirely and are thriving in it. We’ve learned how to look underneath the surface of our soul and face our emotions head on, how to speak to our demons and hear their replies. We’ve learned how to love and be loved, and how to maintain healthy relationships and tend to them. We’ve become more than we ever thought we could, and I personally am excited to see what happens next.

-Parley